A sexless marriage is a marriage with little or no sex, often defined as fewer than about ten times a year. It is common, and it is rarely about one person being broken. Most couples get there through a mix of health, stress, resentment and mismatched desire. Many find their way back once both partners stop blaming and start working on the cause together.
Not sure where your marriage stands? The free Marriage Intimacy Quiz looks at love, intimacy and communication and shows which area to work on first.
What counts as a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage usually means a marriage where partners have sex fewer than about ten times a year, or not at all for a year or longer. That number is a convention from survey research, not a diagnosis. Researchers use different cutoffs: some count no sex in the past month, others no sex in the past year.
The number matters less than how you both feel about it. A couple who has sex twice a year and is content with that does not have a problem to fix. A couple who has sex every month, where one partner feels lonely and rejected, does. Some people are asexual or have little interest in sex, and a marriage between two people who agree on that can be happy.
The real question is whether the lack of sex causes distress for one or both of you. Couples in this situation often call it a "dead bedroom" or a "roommate marriage."
How common are sexless marriages?
Sexless marriages are more common than most people assume, although exact numbers depend on the definition. In one of the most cited studies, sociologist Denise Donnelly analyzed 6,029 married people from the National Survey of Families and Households and found that 16% had not had sex in the month before the interview (Journal of Sex Research, 1993).
Sex has also become less frequent overall. An analysis of the General Social Survey by Jean Twenge and colleagues found that American adults had sex about nine fewer times a year in the early 2010s than in the late 1990s, and the decline included married people (Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2017).
So if your marriage has gone quiet, you are far from alone. That does not make it less painful, but it does mean there is a well-understood path forward.
Why do marriages become sexless?
Marriages usually become sexless through several causes at once, not one. Health, the mind, the relationship and the way desire works all play a part, and they tend to feed each other. A medication lowers desire, the other partner feels rejected, resentment builds, and soon neither of you wants to bring it up.
| Area | Common causes | Who can help |
|---|---|---|
| Body | Side effects of medication (for example some antidepressants and, for some people, hormonal birth control), menopause and perimenopause, erection problems, pain during sex, pregnancy and the months after birth, chronic illness, poor sleep | Doctor, gynecologist, urologist, pelvic floor physical therapist |
| Mind | Depression, anxiety, ongoing stress, burnout, body image, past sexual trauma | Therapist, doctor |
| Relationship | Unresolved conflict, resentment, an unfair split of chores and mental load, feeling more like co-parents or roommates than lovers | Couples therapist, both of you |
| Desire itself | Mismatched sex drives, responsive desire mistaken for "no desire," routine sex that neither of you enjoys, a pursue-and-withdraw cycle | Both of you, sex therapist |
Responsive desire is often misread as no desire
Many people do not feel spontaneous desire out of nowhere. Their desire is responsive: it shows up after touch, closeness and arousal have started, not before. Sex researcher Rosemary Basson described this model, and Emily Nagoski made it widely known in her book Come As You Are.
A partner with responsive desire can wait for a feeling that never arrives on its own and conclude "I'm just not interested anymore." Often the interest is still there. It needs the right context to show up.
The pursue-and-withdraw cycle
The partner who wants more initiates, gets turned down, and feels hurt. The partner who wants less starts to feel pressure in every hug and avoids touch to avoid another "no." That avoidance makes the first partner push harder or pull away in anger. Each reaction makes sense on its own, and together they lock the couple in place.
What does a sexless marriage do to each partner?
A sexless marriage hurts both partners, in different ways. The partner who wants more sex often feels rejected, unattractive and lonely. The partner who wants less often feels guilty, pressured and inadequate. Over time both tend to pull back from all touch, not just sex, and that is where the "roommate" feeling comes from.
The distance usually grows in stages. Recognizing your stage helps you see that the pattern, not your partner, is the problem.
| Stage | The partner who wants more | The partner who wants less |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Hoping | Drops hints, plans special evenings, tests the waters with casual touch, counts the days | Initiates less, steers away from touch that might lead further, uses "I'm tired" or "maybe later" |
| 2. Protecting | Initiates less to avoid rejection, keeps to their side of the bed, throws themselves into work or hobbies | Goes to bed earlier or later, shows affection only when sex is unlikely, changes the subject when it comes up |
| 3. Armoring | Feels resentment and doubts their own worth, makes sharp remarks, seeks closeness elsewhere | Feels blamed for "never wanting it," gets defensive or tearful in talks about sex, keeps emotional distance |
| 4. Resigning | Stops trying, feels numb, lives a parallel life, thinks about leaving | Feels relief that the asking has stopped, treats the topic as closed, sees the lack of sex as normal |
The effects reach beyond the bedroom. Lack of touch can make arguments sharper, lower each person's mood and make it harder to feel like a team. Donnelly's study found that sexually inactive marriages were, on average, less happy and less stable than sexually active ones. That is a correlation, not proof that the lack of sex caused the unhappiness, but it shows the topic deserves attention.
If you are the partner who wants more
Your need for closeness is legitimate, and so is your hurt. What rarely works: keeping score, guilt, pressure or ultimatums made in anger. Each one confirms your partner's fear that touch comes with a price. What helps is telling your partner how you feel without accusing them, and showing you want them, not just sex.
If you are the partner who wants less
Lower desire is not a character flaw, and you do not owe anyone sex. Still, the issue belongs to both of you, and avoiding the topic tends to feel like rejection to your partner. What helps is saying what you do want (for example cuddling without expectation), naming what gets in the way, and getting a medical check if something changed in your body.
How do you fix a sexless marriage?
You fix a sexless marriage by working on the cause, not the frequency. That usually means naming the problem together, ruling out medical causes, rebuilding touch without pressure, clearing old resentment, and then making room for sex on purpose. It takes weeks to months, not one conversation.
1. Name it together, without blame
Pick a calm moment outside the bedroom. Say what you miss and how you feel, and ask how your partner experiences it. The goal of the first talk is understanding, not a solution. The section What can you say to start the conversation? has sentences you can use.
2. Rule out medical causes
If desire, arousal or comfort changed noticeably, start with a doctor. Medication side effects, hormonal changes, erection problems and pain during sex are common and often treatable. Fixing a physical cause can make every other step easier.
3. Rebuild touch without expectation
When every hug feels like a question, the lower-desire partner stops hugging. Agree on a period, for example two to four weeks, in which touch never leads to sex. Hold hands, cuddle on the sofa, give each other a back rub. This takes the pressure out and lets touch feel safe again.
A structured version is sensate focus, developed by sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson and still used by sex therapists today. Partners take turns touching each other with sex off the table, paying attention to sensation rather than performance. Our lesson on overcoming touch aversion walks through gentle first steps.
4. Clear the resentment
Sex rarely comes back while one partner feels unseen, overloaded or criticized. Look honestly at what sits between you: an unfair split of chores and mental load, a hurt that was never repaired, constant criticism. Desire for a partner tends to grow when you feel like equals and allies. The lesson on resentment and negative perceptions offers a way in.
5. Make space for intimacy on purpose
Spontaneous sex is rare in busy lives. Many couples do better with a planned evening that has no fixed outcome: time alone, phones away, closeness with permission to stop at any point. Planned does not mean obligated. If the evening ends with kissing and talking, that still counts.
Light, playful formats can make the first steps easier. Intimacy games for couples offer simple rules for talking, touching and flirting, and question games help when even conversation feels stiff.
6. Widen what counts as sex
Many couples treat intercourse as the only "real" sex. That creates pressure, especially around erection problems, pain or menopause. Kissing, touching, oral sex, massage and lying close all count as intimacy. Taking intercourse off the center often makes sex easier to start again. The lesson Redefining Sex Beyond Intercourse explores this.
7. Check in regularly
Set a short weekly check-in: what felt good, what felt like too much, what you want to try next. Small, steady steps work better than a big romantic gesture followed by silence.
What can you say to start the conversation?
Start with your feelings and your wish to be close, not with numbers or blame. Phrases like "I miss you" land softer than "We never have sex." These openers work for both roles:
- "I miss being close to you, and I'd like us to figure this out together. Can we talk about it this weekend?"
- "I've noticed we barely touch anymore, and I feel lonely. I'm not blaming you. I want to understand how it is for you."
- "I know I've been pulling away. It's not about you. Can I tell you what's going on for me?"
- "When a hug feels like it has to lead somewhere, I tense up. Could we have a few weeks of cuddling without any expectation?"
- "I want to want you more. Would you come with me to see someone about it?"
Then listen without defending yourself. Repeat what you heard ("So you feel like I only touch you when I want sex?") before you answer. If the talk escalates, pause and agree on a time to continue.
For a full guide with more openers, timing and mistakes to avoid, read how to talk about a sexless marriage. The course lesson on discussing sensitive topics helps if conversations keep ending in a fight.
Quick poll
What do you think started the distance in your marriage?
When should you see a doctor?
See a doctor when desire, arousal or comfort changed noticeably, or when something physical makes sex hard. Many causes of a sexless marriage are medical and treatable. Book an appointment if any of these apply:
- Pain during or after sex, or dryness that does not go away
- Erection problems, which can also be an early sign of heart or blood vessel disease and are worth checking for that reason alone
- A drop in desire after starting a new medication, such as an antidepressant, blood pressure medication or hormonal contraception. Do not stop a medication on your own; ask whether there is an alternative
- Perimenopause or menopause symptoms, such as hot flashes, sleep problems or vaginal dryness
- The months after giving birth, especially with pain, exhaustion or low mood
- Signs of depression or anxiety, such as lasting low mood, loss of interest in most things, or sleep changes
A family doctor is a good first stop. Depending on the cause, they may refer you to a gynecologist, urologist, endocrinologist or pelvic floor physical therapist.
When does couples therapy or sex therapy help?
Professional help is worth it when talks keep ending in a fight, when one of you refuses to talk at all, or when you have tried for a few months without change. It also helps when there is trauma, an affair or deep resentment in the background. Seeking help early is easier than repairing years of distance.
| Option | Best for | Good to know |
|---|---|---|
| Sex therapist | Mismatched desire, pain, erection worries, sexual trauma, structured exercises like sensate focus | In the US, the AASECT directory lists certified sex therapists |
| Couples therapist | Conflict, resentment, poor communication, rebuilding trust | Ask whether they work with sexual issues; not all do |
| Individual therapist | Depression, anxiety, trauma or body image that affect desire | Can run alongside couples work |
| Doctor | Pain, hormonal changes, medication effects, erection problems | Often the first step before therapy |
| Course or coaching | Couples who want to start on their own with structure | Not a substitute for therapy when there is trauma, abuse or a medical cause |
If your partner will not come, go alone. A therapist can help you understand the pattern and change your part in it, and many partners join later.
If you want to start at home, the BondAmour courses on emotional, physical and sexual connection give you a step-by-step structure, including a lesson with deeper insights on sexless marriages.
Where should you start? 3 quick questions
1 of 3
Did something change in your body or health before the distance began?
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Yes, many sexless marriages recover, and some couples stay happily married with little sex because both agree on it. The situation is hardest when one partner suffers and the other will not engage at all. In that case the sex is no longer the core problem. The core problem is that one person's needs are not being taken seriously.
Leaving is a valid choice when you have tried honestly, ideally with professional help, and nothing changes. It is a decision for you alone, and a therapist can help you make it calmly rather than out of hurt.
One line matters in every case: sex must always be wanted by both of you. No one owes a partner sex, and pressure, guilt or force are never a solution. If your partner threatens, pressures or forces you, that is abuse, not a sexless marriage. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233.
If you are still together and both willing, start small this week: one calm conversation, or one evening of closeness without expectation. For a relaxed night that brings you back to each other, these date night ideas for married couples are a gentle place to begin.
Frequently asked questions
How often do married couples have sex on average?
It varies widely with age, health and relationship length. In the General Social Survey analysis by Jean Twenge and colleagues (2017), married adults in the early 2010s reported sex roughly once a week on average, and frequency declines with age. An average says little about your marriage, though. What matters is whether both of you are content.
Is once a month a sexless marriage?
By the common definition of fewer than about ten times a year, sex once a month sits just above the line. Whether it is a problem depends on how you both feel. If one of you feels lonely or rejected, it is worth working on, whatever the number.
Can a sexless marriage be saved?
Often, yes, when both partners are willing to work on the cause. Typical steps are a calm conversation without blame, a medical check, rebuilding touch without pressure, clearing resentment, and planned time for intimacy. A sex therapist or couples therapist speeds this up, especially if talks keep escalating.
What if my partner refuses to talk about it?
Choose a calm moment, keep it short, and lead with your feelings rather than accusations. If your partner still refuses, say that the topic matters to you and that you will look for support. Then see a therapist on your own. Changing your part of the pattern often changes the dynamic, and many partners join later.
Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?
Legally, every US state allows some form of no-fault divorce, so you do not need a specific reason. Emotionally, a lack of sex is a valid reason to reconsider a marriage when you have tried honestly and nothing changes. A therapist can help you decide calmly rather than out of hurt.
Is it normal to lose interest in sex after kids?
It is very common. Exhaustion, sleep loss, hormonal changes, body changes and a shift from lovers to co-parents all lower desire after a baby. Give it time, talk about it openly, see a doctor if there is pain or low mood, and protect small moments of closeness that do not have to lead to sex.